72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
HOW DARE YOU
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.