Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
You Might Also Like
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I’M CRYINGGG
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome