[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian