Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭