Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
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Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
October already? What’s next? November????
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
seems fine
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit