Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The Others (2001)
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.