Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest

Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*

*first date*

Her: I’m a criminologist.

Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.