I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
You Might Also Like
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?