Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
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ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Why are bridges so flammable.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are