Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
R.I.P.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.