DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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Who called it baking and not making love
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
A leaf blower, but for people.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.