Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
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Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Me recordaron éste meme
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit