If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
work smarter, not harder