[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.