Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
I’m literally crying
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
If you know, you know
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the