whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
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So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
just got my engagement photos
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise