bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
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Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Siri: Retweet me.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.