me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
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I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
My blood type is b hungry.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.