“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
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“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes