And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
How I’d get arrested…
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.