Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
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next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
yeet
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.