MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
This why you should mind your business
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
normalize having existential bread
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much