They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
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if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭