“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”