A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
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If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
The dark side of Canada
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.