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zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
Self-cleaning conscience