How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
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Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them