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Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Tastes like chicken.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings