Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
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ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative