Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
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Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I am yelling
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?