Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
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me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
They did not think through this water fountain
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.