I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
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Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.