I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
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Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.