Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
I’m sorry…what?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.