Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.