Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
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Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
They did not miss in the small print
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting