Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
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Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
This makes total sense…
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?