angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.