I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.