I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
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*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years