Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up