Tik Tok is a national treasure.
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Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.