KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Hell yeah 👍
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The French word for sex is croissant.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan