Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
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coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
The three genders
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
The Punning Dead.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”