hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream