Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
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My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*