Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.