My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
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I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
hey, alexa
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF