my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single