Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
You Might Also Like
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
He died doing what he loved: being alive
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT